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Happy Wednesday my people ✊
"Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don't wish for less problems, wish for more skill. Don't wish for less challenge, wish for more wisdom." ~ Jim Rohn
I struggled with sex addiction for 10 years.
The first time I ever watched pxrn was at 9 years old. At the peak of it, I was jerking off 5x per day on average. It almost feels like I’m talking about a past life now, or a different person, but it’s true. I’ve cheated on girlfriends online, I’ve jerked off in hidden public places like bathrooms, I’ve even bleeded a few times.
Today, I can brag about the fact that I’ve managed to stay off pxrn for more than a year in a row, or to hit NoFap streaks of 100 days+, but that doesn't matter because I finally gave up on NoFap. It's the best thing that has ever happened to me, & here are 3 brutally honest reasons why.
Note: Each lesson is meant to be read separately, so some repetition may occur. This writing style is intentional, as each of these lessons will be repurposed into separate YouTube videos & Medium articles. Thank you for your understanding!
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3 Brutally Honest Reasons Why I Finally Gave Up On NoFap |
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1- 3 Ways I Built Sexual Discipline (Without NoFap) |
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Imagine committing to never eating processed sugar ever again. It will be difficult for a few weeks, then your brain will get used to it, & you will eventually forget about it besides occasional urges you'll perceive as relevant.
But imagine committing to never eating anything sweet ever again. No more fruits, no more honey. Nothing that tastes sweet. Not only will it be dreadful, but you’ll also be going against human nature which involves eons of perceiving sweet food as incredibly valuable. Now replace processed sugar with pxrn & fruits with masturbation. What you get is the most helpful metaphor you will ever come across on your semen retention journey.
Pxrn is like processed sugar. It might suck the first few weeks of withdrawal, but you get used to it, & eventually even forget about it besides occasional small urges that become irrelevant. Just like processed sugar, completely removing it from your life is a non-negotiable when it comes to physical, mental, emotional & spiritual health. It’s also absolutely achievable.
Ejaculation, however, is a different game. You could technically decide to never ejaculate ever again, but just like cutting sweet foods out of your life, the cost is too high compared to the benefits. Not only is it incredibly challenging, but it’s also rarely a good idea to go against the reason you even exist in the first place. That's why I highly recommend...
Intermittent semen retention
Not only will occasional mindful ejaculation (like loving sex or meditative masturbation) be healthy for you, but it will also make the game WAY more enjoyable.
Think about it, why are sports so fun? There is an element of playful challenge pushing us beyond our limits to expand, compete & progress on the journey. But that effort is also followed by occasional periods of celebration & rest.
You & your team might push yourselves to maximum effort during the playoffs, but you’ll also take the time to celebrate & take some good rest when you win the championship. Or you might push through the physical pain of running a marathon but only because you know this run will eventually end & you will have time to celebrate & rest.
In the same way, progressively increasing the period of time in which you practice semen retention while letting yourself rest from time to time (ex: ejaculating every 10 days) will allow you to reap 95% of the benefits without any of the downsides. To me, that’s a Win-Win.
3 ways I built sexual discipline (without NoFap):
1- Make a personal assessment. How often did you masturbate on average before trying to change your habit? Triple that time gap & then schedule that date in your calendar where you can do whatever the f*ck you want with your d*ck.
Ex: if it was once every day, schedule a moment in 3 days, if it was once every 4 days, schedule a moment in 12 days. In all cases, make it achievable enough so that you know you'll keep your promise but uncomfortable enough so that you know it's going to challenge you.
2- Turn it into a game. Make it a non-negotiable to avoid ejaculation until that moment & notice what happens.
Treat it a challenge just like that one time you ran your first 5km/10km without stopping, or when you took your first cold shower/cold bath, or when you set a timer & worked for 90 minutes straight on a project you were procrastinating for days. If you haven’t done any of that stuff, start there.
3- Focus on slow but steady progress. Once you achieve that initial milestone, celebrate it. Get so much pleasure that you're almost sick of it & then raise the bar with +1 day. For example, if your last run was 4 days, schedule a moment in 5 days. Keep on raising the bar as you progress on your journey.
Remember, the goal is to feel in control & to progress. No matter what you do, make sure it's YOUR CHOICE. You are way better consciously masturbating every few days than unconsciously losing control & relapsing every few weeks.
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2- 3 Reasons Why You Should Never Stop J*rking Off (The Hidden Danger of NoFap) |
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I remember the moment I finally decided to quit pxrn for good as if it were yesterday. My girlfriend at the time & I had been together for a few months, I had already landed a few regular clients in my first coaching business, & I had managed to get some pretty decent "NoFap streaks" in the bank.
It was late at night after a good day of hard work. I was peacefully scrolling on my phone in bed when a sudden thought hit me: "I know you said you'd quit pxrn, but what about audio pxrn? What if you quit pxrn without ever trying that out? That wouldn't count right?" What a clever argument...
5 minutes later, I'm ejaculating to a random thirst story on Spotify. That was my moment of awakening. "There's no f*cking way all my people are looking up to a guy who just came to a f*cking audio tape. I'm done with that bullsh*t"
So what's my solution? I open my journal & start writing down affirmations (which gives you an idea of how desperate I was): "Self-sexuality is a waste of time, love & life energy. Self-sexuality is a waste of time, love & life energy. Self-sexuality is a waste of time, love & life energy. Self-sexuality is a waste of time, love & life energy. Self-sexuality is a waste of time, love & life energy...."
It worked for a few months, but little did I know, this approach would only compound my struggles...
The dangers of sexual repression
"There’s nothing more adventurous than telling the Truth"~ Dr. Jordan Peterson.
Truth is one of the most difficult forms of delayed gratification. Yes, it almost always feels uncomfortable in the moment, but what is the alternative? You can try to deceive your way into getting what you want, but how do you really know if what you want is truly what you need? Trying to dismiss self-sexuality as irrelevant & pretending that masturbation has no benefits is a complete delusion. And just like any other lie, it always leads to long-term consequences. It surely did for religious institutions.
The next paragraph contains sensitive information, so I've replaced all the words that could get my message censored with [inappropriate behaviour]. It's only a matter of time before the algorithms become as intuitive as we are. Let's make the most out of it! Cheers to freedom of speech while it lasts ✊
According to Bravehearts, an organization dedicated to protecting children from [inappropriate behaviour] "The Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to [inappropriate behaviour] had heard from 6,875 survivors in private sessions, of whom 4,029 (58.6%) reported [inappropriate behaviour] in religious institutions. The majority of survivors were male & the average age at first time of [inappropriate behaviour] was 10.3 years. The most common religious contexts in which alleged [inappropriate behaviour] occurred were religious schools (39%), religious institutions such as orphanages, children’s homes and missions (35.2%), and places of worship (24.8%)."
I have nothing against the spiritual, loving, & unifying part of religion, but trying to repress the fundamental biological reason why we exist in the first place —and how our species has survived for eons— is where things get f*cked. At some point in history, perhaps when we transitioned from nomad hunter-gatherers to sedentary civilized communities, we become so afraid of the deeply powerful instinct of sex that we tried to pretend like it doesn't exist. All of a sudden, one of the most common & essential acts in nature became taboo—or even worse, evil.
The NoFap movement is just another manifestation of this fear. Yes, human sexuality is complex, & doing the inner work sucks. But what is the alternative? Destructive consequences. Not a good idea! That's why I would much rather promote progressive healing towards a healthy sexuality, where we can experience all the benefits of sexual mastery without any of the downsides. So let's take a look at...
3 reasons why you should practice mindful masturbation (without watching pxrn):
#1- Health
Stress Relief: We all know masturbation releases Dopamine, but it also increases your levels of Oxytocin, known as the "love drug." These two hormones significantly reduce Cortisol, the "stress hormone", creating a sustainable reduction in stress. Knowing that we're considered as the most anxious generation in history, a little stress relief won't hurt!
Prostate Cancer: According to a Harvard study, "In 1992, 29,342 men between the ages of 46 and 81 provided information about their average number of ejaculations per month {...} The volunteers provided comprehensive health and lifestyle data every two years until the study concluded in 2000. {...} Compared to men who reported 4–7 ejaculations per month across their lifetimes, men who ejaculated 21 or more times a month enjoyed a 31% lower risk of prostate cancer. And the results held up to rigorous statistical evaluation even after other lifestyle factors."
#2- Self-Awareness
Mindfulness: "Everything is shown up by being exposed to the light, and whatever is exposed to the light itself becomes light."~ St.Paul.
We are infinitely deep & complex beings. Yet, society has conditioned us to see love as something very conditional. We "love" those who are "good" & "hate" those who are "bad." But that’s not love; that’s attachment. True love has no conditions; it’s omnipresent. "It" loves every thing & being into existence. To truly love yourself, you must be willing to look into the light AND the darkness.
That's why I personally love using masturbation as a form of meditation. It allows you to shed the light of awareness on to the most repressed parts of your psyche. The moment you get comfortable with your darkest shadows is when you start experiencing the true meaning of unshakeable confidence. It's also when real change begins, which leads us to the next point...
#3- Shifting the story
Self-Image: "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek" ~ Joseph Campbell
In the past three years of being both a student & a teacher on the journey of sexual mastery, I have noticed that what people suffer from the most isn't even masturbation or pxrn itself; it’s their fantasies. It’s that complex love-hate relationship between you & the very thing that brings both pleasure & pain.
I believe there is no more crucial moment on your journey than the one where you finally gain the courage to face these dragons & to let them go out of their cages. Only then can you realize that they actually hold no power over you. It's just a bunch of conditioned neural networks. That's when, just by the power of your awareness alone, you can start writing a new story, one where your sexuality isn't so shameful after all & where it can become a beautiful vehicle for creativity, connection & progress in its own way!
NOTE: I am not encouraging compulsive daily masturbation, even if you consider it as mindful. You can refer to a previous newsletter called 3 Lessons I Learned While Healing from Pxrn Addiction or the action steps mentioned earlier in this edition to learn more.
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3- 2 Reasons Why NoFap is Killing You (And 4 steps to break free for good) |
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How many times have you promised yourself you'd never ever masturbate ever again? I know I've made that promise way too many times.
How many times did you actually keep it? Unless you're a Buddhist monk watching my video from the mountains right now, chances are that the answer is: not very many. But don't you see the problem with that statement? Don't you see how the real issue here might not be in the act of jerking off itself, but rather the fact that you keep losing trust in your own words?
I call it the "All or Nothing" fallacy, & if you're still reading this, it's most likely at the root of all your suffering on this journey.
The "All or Nothing" Fallacy:
There are 2 problematic beliefs that seem to be prevalent in the NoFap space:
#1: Pxrn & Masturbation have no inherent value
Humans perceive value through the filters of pleasure & pain. Ultimately, what we’re all seeking is more permanent enjoyment (heaven), & less meaningless suffering (hell). The more something aligns with that goal, the more valuable it feels. Pxrn provides massive pleasure & eliminates almost any pain in the moment you’re watching it—we all know it because we’ve been there. Therefore, claiming it has no value is basically a delusion. It’s also ignoring the fact that 3/4 of men in the US regularly consume something that supposedly has "no value."
But if you genuinely believe that (which is your right), as soon as that idea gets challenged (as it inevitably will—like I just did), you'll most likely snap right back to square one. Since you didn’t actually take the time to build the discipline & the self-awareness necessary for long-term recovery, your whole journey is based on a perspective. We all know how fast a perspective can change. It’s a very weak approach. Some might also consider a character trait (like discipline) as nothing more than an "idea", but at least it’s backed up by an undeniable stack of proof through action.
Plus, by focusing on changing the story around pxrn instead of changing the story of who you are, you’re also missing out on an incredible opportunity to build mental skills that would serve you for a lifetime in all other areas of life. It’s a much stronger approach to grow progressively & remind your subconsious mind that YOU are in control of your actions, & you’re capable of staying away from it DESPITE the pleasure it can provide. Instead of deceiving yourself into a delusion, embrace the fact it could give you pleasure, & just go do something better. This creates a more solid foundation & the return on investment is much higher.
#2: You must never masturbate ever again or you're a loser
If you assume pxrn has no inherent value at all, coming back to it makes you perceive yourself as stupid. But if you make the promise of never ever masturbating ever again, "relapsing" makes you feel like a weak & undisciplined man that cannot be trusted. If you can’t even trust yourself & be in control of your own actions, why would anyone trust you?
The stronger this self-image becomes, the more likely you are to relapse. The more you relapse, the more you feel ashamed. The more you feel ashamed, the more likely you are to watch pxrn in order to escape that pain, & so it goes. You lost control, it hurts like a bitch, & that’s okay. We’ve all been there more times than you can imagine. Embracing it sucks. Pretending like you'll never ever do it again always ends up sucking even more.
On the other hand, if you view masturbation as one of nature’s gifts, & pxrn as an optional modern tool designed to enhance that pleasure, you can allow yourself to schedule mindful moments in advance to reward yourself with that pleasure—until you create a life so fulfilling that you no longer even want it. In this case, jerking off from time to makes you a balanced, disciplined, & authentic man who is comfortable with & enjoys all parts of his nature. It’s a story in both cases, my friend. The choice is yours.
NOTE: I am not encouraging pxrn consumption, but shaming yourself for doing it is only making the situation worse. The goal is to shrink pxrn into irrelevance. The less space it takes in your consciousness, the better. It will always be an option, just like drugs are an option, but that's okay because you won't need it. You'll create a life so blissful that no substance or distraction could ever compete with it. That's the goal.
Until you get to that point, however, you will f*ck up multiple times, & that's okay because failure is information. You learn faster by failing often until you reach a point where your failures become irrelevant compared to the size of your wins. Until then, here's...
How to turn the curse of relapsing into your greatest blessing:
#1- Identify your relapse triggers (external environment).
Action: Note down when & where you tend to relapse most often.
My example: Right after lunch during the afternoon slump & right before going to sleep, most often in bed or in the bathroom.
#2- Recognize your mental-emotional state when it happens (internal environment).
Action: Note down how you tend to feel internally in the hour before a relapse. What emotions or mental states do you tend to experience?
My example: Foggy brain, tiredness, lack of inspiration, or distraction from long-term goals.
#3- Identify opposite positive states.
Action: Note down when you tend to feel the opposite of your relapse state. These are moments when the idea of watching pxrn becomes irrelevant.
My example: Feeling energized, grateful, excited, & inspired, often after a walk or consuming inspiring content.
#4- Schedule a system of habits that will automatically prevent future relapses.
Action: In your calendar, schedule habits that automatically place you in positive states during times when you’re most vulnerable.
My example: I take a long walk right after meals & put all screen devices outside your room by 10 PM, so I only have an inspiring book to read before sleep.
I truly hope these lessons help you progress faster & suffer less on your journey
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Remember, pain turns into purpose. Those who struggle in their early years often become the most valuable & successful people in our world. Whatever you're struggling with right now is only the beginning of an epic story. I love y'all ❤️ |
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P.S. Whenever you're ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:
#1: If your favourite way to learn is by watching videos, I dive deeper into each one of these principles on my Youtube channel.
#2: If you’re tired of breaking promises, feeling ashamed of yourself, join the #1 Pxrn Addiction Recovery Brotherhood today to break free for good. We’re here, waiting for you on the other side. ✊
#3: If you don't want to be left behind during the digital gold rush, join the Skool Games, where 30.4% of new members make their first $ online. Start your 14-day FREE trial today!
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