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Happy Wednesday my people ✊
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." ~ Confucius
Relapsing is a very painful experience. I know that because I've fallen into the trap literally hundreds of times. Luckily for me, I also got to learn a lot of valuable lessons along the way.
The 3 lessons I'm about to share with you are the result of 10 years of experience summarized for you into a few simple steps you can follow whenever you get an urge so that you break free faster with less pain.
Note: Each lesson is meant to be read separately, so some repetition may occur. This writing style is intentional, as each of these lessons will be repurposed into separate YouTube videos & Medium articles. Thank you for your understanding!
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3 Brutally Honest Lessons from 100 Relapses (What I Learned the Hard Way) |
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1- How I Stopped Giving a F*ck About Relapsing | The Truth About No Fap |
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When is the last time you relapsed?
How did it make you feel? It f*cking sucks, doesn't it? I've been there more times than you can imagine & now that I’ve broken free from that struggle, I often wish I could go back & save my younger self from years of pain—but I can’t. What I can do is help you avoid some of that suffering, & that would make everything I went through worth it. So, let me share a story with you.
Have you ever heard of multiple personality disorder? Essentially, someone with this disorder can have several distinct personalities (up to 100!), each with completely different behaviors & outlooks on life. Here’s the most fascinating part: some personalities will be left-handed, others right-handed. Some will need glasses, while others won’t. One might have diabetes, another none at all. In 2015, a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) spontaneously regained vision only in some of her 10 personalities after being blind for years. Brain scans revealed that her visual cortex was active when her sighted identities were in control, but inactive when her blind personalities took over!
The point is this: our personality creates our personal reality. But what is our personality, if not a story we tell ourselves? How we define things can literally shape our lives. How can kamikazes or terrorists kill themselves & others? They believe they’re serving a higher purpose or mission—that’s a story. How can serial killers receive fan letters in prison? Because those fans believe in the story that these killers are heroes, not villains. Stories have both caused the deaths of billions & driven the most incredible human breakthroughs. So let's...
Rewrite the story of relapsing
Relapsing is a myth. Or at least, it’s not what you think.
As we've just learned, stories (& therefore language) f*cking matters. In a previous newsletter called "3 Lessons I Learned While Healing from Pxrn Addiction", we defined addiction as a progressive narrowing of the things that give us pleasure. If we want to learn how to overcome something, then we better be sure we’re talking about the same damn thing.
So here is how I define relapsing: the act of breaking a promise. That's it. If you decide IN ADVANCE that you will masturbate in 5 days, & then you do, that’s not relapsing. If you choose to masturbate on the third day instead for whatever reason, that’s relapsing. Guess what that means. MASTURBATING IS NOT RELAPSING, as long as it's done mindfully.
The problem with the "all or nothing" mentality in the No Fap space is that by making the promise that you will "never ever" masturbate "ever" again, you are automatically setting yourself up for shame & disappointment. In other words, a relapse. Unless of course you actually keep that promise, which statistically will probably make you part of the 0.1%, most of which never had a high sex drive to begin with!
Plus, is completely cutting out one of the highest pleasures nature has given you what you really want? Or is it more about feeling in control of your own actions, trusting yourself, becoming more disciplined, confident, courageous, charismatic, energetic, focused & productive? Do you really need to become a monk to experience all of that?
I'm not encouraging you to give up on your sexual mastery journey. Quite the opposite actually. What I'm saying is that there's a way to experience all the benefits you're looking for without any of the downsides. Here's...
How to avoid relapsing (without lying to yourself):
1- Make a personal assessment. How often did you masturbate on average before trying to change your habit? Triple that time gap & then schedule that date in your calendar where you can do whatever the f*ck you want with your d*ck.
Ex: if it was once every day, schedule a moment in 3 days, if it was once every 4 days, schedule a moment in 12 days. In all cases, make it achievable enough so that you know you'll keep your promise but uncomfortable enough so that you know it's going to challenge you.
2- Turn it into a game. Make it a non-negotiable to avoid ejaculation until that moment & notice what happens.
Treat it a challenge just like that one time you ran your first 5km/10km without stopping, or when you took your first cold shower/cold bath, or when you set a timer & worked for 90 minutes straight on a project you were procrastinating for days. If you haven’t done any of that stuff, start there.
3- Focus on slow but steady progress. Once you achieve that initial milestone, celebrate it. Get so much pleasure that you're almost sick of it & then raise the bar with +1 day. For example, if your last run was 4 days, schedule a moment in 5 days. Keep on raising the bar as you progress on your journey.
Remember, the goal is to feel in control & to progress. No matter what you do, make sure it's YOUR CHOICE. You are way better consciously masturbating every few days than unconsciously losing control & relapsing every few weeks. Trust me, your self-story will be thanking you.
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2- 99% Of Us Have Relapsed | The Myth of No Fap |
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I started watching pxrn at 9 years old & the first time I ever seriously tried to quit was at 13 years old.
Ever since that moment, I have relapsed more times than I can remember. You’d think I would’ve learned from my mistakes, right?Well... it only took me HUNDREDS of failures & YEARS of struggle to gain the perspective I'm about to share with you right now.
If you're reading this, I'm assuming you've gone through the pain of relapsing at least once in your life. You would know what I mean when I'm talking about the absolutely dreadful feeling of not being in control of your own actions, followed by shame, fear & distrust of your own mind. It’s almost as if you’re possessed by something that has taken control of you, creating a downward spiral because the only way you know to cope with those difficult emotions is... with even more pxrn.
Yep, I've been there too. But what if I told you that there's a way out of this suffering? Matter of fact, it's so obvious your mind will probably want to classify it as irrelevant!
It's really not that deep
How do you define relapsing? If something is causing so much pain in our lives, then we better be able to identify what it really is, right? I invite you to take a moment right now, pause from reading, & reflect on what relapsing means to you.
So often, we search for external solutions, while the root cause of our suffering is a simple misinterpretation of words. In a previous newsletter called "3 Lessons I Learned While Healing from Pxrn Addiction", we defined addiction as a progressive narrowing of the things that give us pleasure.
So here’s how I define relapsing: the act of breaking a promise. That’s it. If you decide in advance that you’ll masturbate in 5 days, and you do, that’s not relapsing. If you choose to masturbate on the third day instead for whatever reason, that’s relapsing. Guess what that means? Masturbating is not relapsing, as long as it’s done mindfully.
But then again, let's be real, how many times have you broken a promise in other areas of your life? Do you know anyone who's never broken a promise? Isn't there a risk of uncertainty, constant change, instability, broken promises, confusion & disappointment every time you jump into the unknown, which is the only place where growth can happen?
Making another grandiose promise after breaking one is just an unconscious attempt to escape from the pain of responsibility. You lost control, it hurts like a b*tch, & that’s okay. We’ve all been there more times than you can imagine. Embracing it sucks. Pretending like you'll never ever do it again always ends up sucking even more.
We are human, my friend. The best we can do is try our best, but no matter how hard we try, we will f*ck up from time to time, & that's okay. It's not about never breaking a promise; it’s about how you respond when you do.
How to turn the curse of relapsing into your greatest blessing:
#1- Identify your relapse triggers (external environment).
Action: Note down when & where you tend to relapse most often.
My example: Right after lunch during the afternoon slump & right before going to sleep, most often in bed or in the bathroom.
#2- Recognize your mental-emotional state when it happens (internal environment).
Action: Note down how you tend to feel internally in the hour before a relapse. What emotions or mental states do you tend to experience?
My example: Foggy brain, tiredness, lack of inspiration, or distraction from long-term goals.
#3- Identify opposite positive states.
Action: Note down when you tend to feel the opposite of your relapse state. These are moments when the idea of watching pxrn becomes irrelevant.
My example: Feeling energized, grateful, excited, & inspired, often after a walk or consuming inspiring content.
#4- Schedule a system of habits that will automatically prevent future relapses.
Action: In your calendar, schedule habits that automatically place you in positive states during times when you’re most vulnerable.
My example: I take a long walk right after meals & put all screen devices outside your room by 10 PM, so I only have an inspiring book to read before sleep.
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3- Why I'm Grateful for P*rn Addiction | Turning Your Curse Into a Blessing |
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I struggled with pxrn addiction for 10 years of my life. At the peak of it, I was jerking off to pxrn 5x per day on average. Looking back it now, after staying off pxrn for over a year at a time, abstaining from masturbation for months in a row, & even practicing total semen retention for weeks in a row, I never thought I’d say this—but I’m grateful for that struggle.
See, addiction recovery is the most magnificent process a human being can go through & I get to witness it everyday. It's truly a gift, but it's packaging is so horrible, most people never get to realize that truth. My hope today is to transfer that perspective to you.
The Hidden Gift of Pxrn Addiction
Here are 5 reasons why addiction is a gift:
#1: The comeback story effect. What is one common pattern in every single religious or classical story across every culture & time period? The hero’s journey towards salvation or personal growth. Would you watch a movie or read a book where the characters are happy from beginning to end, never having to face a single challenge? Of course not, it would be boring as f*ck! What is often the most powerful & emotional part of a good story? The comeback. The part where the hero finally wins after losing; where the hero finds a solution & breaks free from their problem. Those stories are simply manifestations of the human psyche. We can’t appreciate victory if we’ve never been defeated. We can’t appreciate freedom if we’ve never been stuck. As humans, growth & contribution are what make life worth living. Talking about contribution...
#2: Purpose. I have never heard of someone breaking free from addiction without having the slightest desire of helping others break free afterwards. It’s like some kind of unwritten rule in the recovery community. The law of the second mountain states that there’s a limit to the amount of joy and fulfillment that people can experience by focusing only on themselves. The beauty of contribution is that you get to experience unlimited amounts of freedom & fulfillment since every victory you’ve contributed to feels like your victory. Also, those of you who’ve been in contact with my work for a while now know that sustainable recovery is impossible without some kind of contribution anyways. This means that the gift of contribution is inevitable in the process of addiction recovery. What a beautiful way to set it up if you were god.
#3: Discipline & Self-Awareness. Can you find one person in recovery who didn’t have to develop these skills to break free? Good luck. Now, here’s the next question: can you name one valuable goal in life that doesn’t require a solid level of discipline and self-awareness? Exactly. Again, it's almost as if God knew what it was doing. What do I always say? It’s not only about breaking free from addiction. It’s about earning access to this cycle of discipline & self-awareness that pushes you upward, creating an infinite momentum of energy that has the power to transmute every single dream you have into reality. That is what addiction recovery is really about.
#4: Progress. 96% of people going out of rehab relapse after a few years. Why? Because people are afraid of facing the truth! Are you ready to hear what that is? Addiction recovery is a lifetime process. Breaking the habit is amazing! It’s absolutely worth celebrating! Unfortunately though, it’s only the tip of the iceberg. What separates the 4% from the rest is the art of maintaining that freedom. You know what the most fascinating and exciting part about that is? The only way you get to sustain that freedom is by continuous progress & contribution.
Now here are my best news for you: The quality of our lives is perceived through the filter of progress. It is the experiences in the gap between point A & point B that shape our level of happiness. Said differently, we experience reality through contrast. Positive Contrast = Progress = Pleasure, while Negative Contrast = Regress = Pain. Addiction recovery is one of the few areas where you can experience incredible progress over a long period of time, making it a source of lasting happiness!
#5: Humility. So much of our suffering comes from taking ourselves too seriously. Our ego traps us in the illusion that we are separate from each other, leading us to believe we are either superior or inferior to others. But here’s how I define humility: it’s the realization of oneness—the understanding that we all share the same human condition. Addiction recovery forces us to confront how ridiculously self-destructive our minds can become. It pushes us to the point where we finally realize that we are not our minds. That’s when a new dimension of consciousness opens up, one where love, peace, & joy are inseparable from life itself.
How to turn the curse of pxrn addiction into a blessing:
#1: Know Your Outcome. Grab a piece of paper 0r open the "notes" app on your phone, put a 15 minute timer & create a list of the most exciting results you could possibly imagine in the areas of health, wealth, relationships & spirituality. Write as if you're a 5 year old making a list for Santa. Nothing is off limits.
#2: Change The Story. Note down 5 of your own reasons why the journey of recovery will help you move closer in the direction of your dream outcome.
#3: Repeat. Come back to this newsletter or to your own reasons whenever you feel like you might be slipping back into the victim mentality. It's just a story. It might take time to rewrite it.
I truly hope these lessons provide you with a sense of hope on this journey. You're not alone, my brother. It only goes up from here!
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Remember, pain turns into purpose. Those who struggle in their early years often become the most valuable & successful people in our world. Whatever you're struggling with right now is only the beginning of an epic story. I love y'all ❤️ |
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P.S. Whenever you're ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:
#1: If your favourite way to learn is by watching videos, I dive deeper into each one of these principles on my Youtube channel.
#2: If you’re on a mission to become the greatest man your bloodline has ever seen instead of settling for cheap pleasure, join the #1 Pxrn Addiction Recovery Brotherhood today. We’re here, waiting for you on the other side. ✊
#3: If you don't want to be left behind during the digital gold rush, join the Skool Games, where 30.4% of new members make their first $ online. Start your 14-day FREE trial today!
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